Tuesday, November 18, 2008


It has been awhile. I don't even remember my last post. Needless to say AF arrived pretty much on schedule with a 13.5 day luteal phase. Sadness ensued, though I suspected it and wanted to cancel the beta test before I even knew.

I can't believe I had a major breakdown with the RE. I was mostly angry because I am now being postponed until a late December cycle, because there will be no anesthesiologist for an "elective" surgery on Thanksgiving. I am majorly pissed. I specifically asked about the holidays, when the f***ing doctors had to suspend my cycle to schedule around this national meeting. So basically what the take home message is that if you want to get pregnant in November and December you are on your own. Unless the clinic can schedule you to fit their vacation plans you are screwed. From what I read this is not specific to my clinic. It sounds as if it happens everywhere.

I know I should feel fortunate because I think my clinic really does care, but it isn't very easy right now.

Now, my mom is all upset because I might not be home for Thanksgiving. Its like "Mom you have a choice, me stuffing my face with turkey or you holding a beautiful grandchild 9 months from now." She just doesn't seem very reasonable about these things.

For now it is BBT and cervix position. In two days I start OPK. Oh, I didn't mention. I decided to do clomid. I figured it couldn't hurt. Watch I will have huge cysts and not be able to start the cycle in December. That would serve me right for being so impatient.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Life is unfair

I can't believe it. One of my coworkers is pregnant. For the fourth time. Because she forgot to take BCP. Her "boyfriend" doesn't want to have anything to do with the baby. Now, she is going to be a single mom with FOUR kids. I mean, that just sucks. Here we are desperate to have a child and there she is in the unfortunate situation of having a child.

I am sure that the IUI didn't work. My temperature dropped this morning. AF should be here within two days. I don't think I will even go in for the beta test. It will just be too disappointing. I know that the chances were slim, but we had such a great sperm number 75 million. Thats a lot of little guys running around.

I am frightened what the RE is going to tell me. They can't explain my response to the last fertility drugs. I blame the lupron. I guess when my body is suppressed, it really is suppressed.

I think what I hate most is waiting. I am not a very patient person especially when things are not in my control. Why does it seem that everything takes so long? Well, we'll see what my temperature is tomorrow am and go from there.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

The waiting game

Well, just five days left. I have to take a home pregnancy test. There is no way I can wait until Thursday for the HCG result. I had progesterone done on Thursday. It was 46. They told me "you definitely ovulated." I had known that already. My temperature is a full degree higher than it is during the non-luteal phase.

I started BBT when we were first TTC. I think it is the most amazing thing. If I ever get my dream job of being a science education advisor to the government, I would make it mandatory for all girls in high school to chart their cycles for at least three months. It would be a mutidisciplinary project. Data gathering and graphing, physiology (you could discuss all of the hormones and how they function), and it would also be health education, It might even help identify students who might have ovulatory dysfunction.

Oh, I know this is highly unfeasible. It is sexist and would never pass the scrutiny of anti birth control pundits. But I can still dream. At least if I have a girl I will teach her about her body.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Surprise surprise


So we had already resigned ourselves to trying another cycle. Peter really was not ready to go the whole donor egg route. I think he would keep doing the IVF cycles with our own eggs indefinitely. I, on the other hand, had already met with Dr. D. who is at the clinic for the DE experience. We were getting all of the tests in line, and preparing for the counseling session. One really sad thing was that their donor egg pool was pretty minimal. 8-9 total donors. Not that great. We had started to look at other egg agencies and there the numbers were better, but everyone has warned about using these places so I was a little tentative.

Dr. D was astounded by my absolute lack of response. Even with being 41, he thought that I should have formed at least one follicle but having E2 levels of 26, 52, 37, then 45 was really concerning. He said I was on the lower end of the curve. Now, being a striving overachiever, I don't like being told that I am on the lower end of the curve, even with measurements that are not within my control.

As I had said, we plan to go through one more IVF cycle full force. No more giving in on the seventh day. I was coordinating with Dr. B regarding when all of this should take place. Apparently, there is a national meeting for RE and all REs attend this meeting to get new information. (I was secretly hoping that some great new discovery would be revealed that would solve all of our problems.) Any way, so we would have to schedule around this meeting, but it looked as if the timing would work out. It may have interfered with Thanksgiving plans, but that was almost being too hopeful.

I had started tracking my bbt again, and it has been a steady 97.2 for the past week and a half. As I had been tracking before (religiously for almost one year). I knew that I ovulated and menstruated like clockwork and that I had a dip then a sharp increase in temperature after ovulation. I had guessed that I had not ovulated yet because of the lower body temperature. I was just going to wait to get AF then contact the clinic. But yesterday I was sitting in my office and Dr. B called. Apparently he had been talking with my nurse and they had discussed the unusual event of AF arriving before I stopped taking bcp. I told them this was very unusual because normally when I am on bcp I get no bleeding at all even on the placebo pills. To top it off, I have an extremely light and short cycle. Usually, one heavy day of flow and two days of light flow. But that month it lasted 10 days and it was heavy all 10 days. Very weird. Any way Dr. B and the nurse were talking and they decided about the medications that I would be taking the next cycle. A flare protocol with increased menopure vs follistim. I think this is good because my LH levels were never greatly detectable around ovulation any way.

Dr. B called and wanted to arrange to determine my E2 levels and do a sono to make sure that I didn't have any cysts or anything. I go in and one of the residents is doing the sono and it seems to be taking forever. I mean forever. He keeps moving the probe all around. Then he asks what the results of my last sono were which I guess was 10/16. I said "lazy" had seven follicles but only one around 7mm. He then proceeded to say that I had TWO mature follicles in lazy and no antral follicles in righty. One being super mature (26.5mm ) and the other lagging (17mm). Everyone was jumping for joy. I truly didn't know why but continued to smile along. He then went to ask Dr. B what to do and came back and said they were going to induce right away and that I would have IUI tomorrow a.m. Wow, that was fast. So now P my DH needs to come home from work a day early, but hey we all need to make sacrifices.

Here I sit with two follicles waiting for spermies to come along and make me proud.

What a weird thing. I have been off stimulation for 12 days. I will let everyone know how it goes tomorrow.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Cycle stopped

Well it is official. The cycle was cancelled. E2 of 45. Wah wah waaaaaaaaaah........

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Really optimistic then crash

I am heart broken. I went in for U/S. Had seven-eight follicles in "lazy" (my left ovary that only has usually 1 antral follicle). So you say great, what are you complaining about. Got my estradiol results....37. Huge sinking feeling that makes me want to break down into tears. OK, then you say, but there are always DE. Well, as it turns out I apparently have stenosis of my cervix. What the **** is this. Nobody mentioned this could be a complication. So the RE can't even put a catheter in me. He has tried twice. This means even an IUI could prove to be difficult. They might have to dilate my cervix somehow or stitch it so it stays open. Don't ask me, I wasn't paying that much attention. I am concerned now that possibly I should have gone with the more experienced RE. Apparently, they will be called in for consultation.

Really and truly on the verge of tears. Better get back to work so that I can go home and wallow in silent misery. DH has been on a trip and should come back some time tonight.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


I went in bright and early this morning and had b/w. E2 came back...52. I guess this isn't the greatest. I don't know after 3 days of stimulation what should you expect?

I just realized that I may have foreshadowed this wimpy response. Instead of saying that I am up for IVF this month, I inadvertantly said that I was up for IUI.

I am scheduled for U/S and b/w on Thursday. The RE is going to try the mock transfer again. Is this a bad sign? Shouldn't the mock transfer be very straight forward?

Slight change of topic now. I have a feeling that I have no optimism in this process because I have done all of the steps in generating genetically engineered mice. I know that it is really just a numbers game. It all comes down to how many embies you get and that depends on the number of eggs. The other thing I know is that retrieval and transfer should be like riding a bike. For people who have done it a lot, there should be no problems. It should be very routine. That is why I am a little worried that my mock transfer didn't succeed. Should I request a different physician? I don't know.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Second day of injections

Today's injections went a little more smoothly than yesterday. I still forgot to add the Lupron to the Menopur so I had to stick myself 3 times today.

I feel like I am injecting myself with liquid gold with the Follistim. One would think that for recombinant proteins it should be less expensive.

I still can't get over the fact that I am sticking myself with needles.

I wonder how much these hormones affect your mood. I have been a total wreck. Lets list all of the things that I have gotten upset over.

Friday-- Went for U/S and practice transfer. Only 4 antral follicles. Then practice transfer did not work. My uterus is too tipped. Now, I have to go through the procedure again on Thursday. Ask RE why even begin any of these things if I am only starting with 4 follicles. He said there might be more and that the stimulation might increase the numbers. Sometimes I feel like they are doing all of this just for practice. It is a new clinic and they don't have a lot of clientele. I get a lot of personalized attention, but sometimes worry that they are not as experienced as they should be.

Met with my boss for a quick and fun science meeting. He said some things that insinuated that my job was in jeopardy. I got completely upset and had to leave the meeting in tears.

DH did not call the puppy adoption place to say that we had to return the cutest little thing ever. When I found that out, I hung up on him. I ask him to do one thing to make my stress levels go down, and he didn't even do that.

Saturday--Maredsous, the puppy poo, does not get along with our new puppy, Sierra Nevada. This means we had to give her back. I was so upset. She was perfect. Partially house trained, energetic, loving, playful, and obedient. Best of all she was undeniably cute. Springer Spaniel mix. I didn't want to give her back, but Maredsous was constantly on edge. Hence, I was constantly on edge. I balled all day. My eyes were so puffy I had to wear a baseball cap to return her. I am still pretty upset.

Then today when DH I called I just lost it and told him I felt as if it didn't even matter if we are married. This weekend I felt so alone and he was off mountain biking in Lake Tahoe with his friend G. Granted he has a meeting there, and supposedly I couldn't go. Though looking at the calendar now, I totally could have gone.

Anyway, this all is just to show that I have been extremely moody.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

The In Vitro Journey

Today started the serious business of figuring out if my body really has what it takes to still produce eggs. So far it has not been the most promising endeavor that I have experienced.