Sunday, February 8, 2009

Egg donor cycle

I have been putting off writing this for awhile. I am completely torn about going with an egg donor. On top of the amazing expense and the hassle and all of the uncertainty, I also have a very personal reason for being undecided. You see, I was born from an anonymous sperm donor. Well, not exactly. My mom got pregnant by some guy. She knows who he is, but has never once mentioned him to me except on one mean occasion when I was teasing my brothers that I was not related to them. She then springs it on me, (when I was 11 or 12 years old).


"Mom, why is M. so much smarter then we are?" said my brother.

"Because I am not related to you," I said with a laugh.

"That's right. You kids have a different dad" my mom replied.


WHATTTTT???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have never been the same since. Nobody ever talks about it and I live in constant (well not constant) but occasional wonder if my "dad" will try to find me and give me a huge sum of money.

What does this have to do with egg donation. I just don't know if I would want to tell my child that they were not mine, genetically. Ever since that day, I have always felt kind of weird about the only man I have ever known as my dad. We really never have been close, and I wonder if somewhere back in the recesses of his mind he resents me. Will I resent my DE child? If s/he misbehaves will I blame it on my husband and not take any responsibility? Would I have been better off not knowning that I come from a different genetic stock than my brothers. Would I have felt closer to my whole family? I just don't know.

What if I do keep this whole donor egg thing a secret from my child? They will find out some day and then they will resent me. It would be a joint lie that my husband and I would have to share. Isn't that an incredible, painful burden. Is this one time when a lie is OK? Is there ever a time when any lie is OK. I just don't know. I don't know how to decide. I want statistics. I guess it is similar if you tell a child they are adopted. I just feel that the genetic bond does mean something and I don't want my kid to miss out on that.

I also don't want to miss out on the coolest genetic experiment of all. Mixing my DNA with my husband's to see what wonderful offspring can result from our love, respect, joy, friendship, and caring. Please, please let me get pregnant this time. Let me have one miracle. Let me experience first hand what I see happen in the lab every day.

I go in tomorrow morning for my day 5 sono and E2, but again isn't it really only like day 4.5 of stims. If I started on Thursday then I have only been stimming for 4 days. I am sure there is some time necessary for the uptake and the response. What am I hoping for. Something similar to last cycle. E2 around 200. I want 7 follicles over 10mm. Thats what I want. Lets see if I can get it.

Oh, for those wondering, I am not doing the day 3 stim, because I don't think my RE is concerned about OHSS.

8 comments:

Ashley said...

Im praying so hard!! I understand your worries for e.d. But if you ever did it, it would be your child, and you could identify with it in some sense. This will be your month, Good Luck!!

Abby said...

I can see how you would want to see the child that you and your husband have "genetically" together, however I believe it is what you pass on to your children that comes from your heart, your mind, and your soul that is most important... Not your genes. It will all work out the way it is meant to work out... Do not worry about what you cannot change! :0)

If you want children this badly, then you are exactly the kind of person who should have children- whether it be biologically, by adoption, or otherwise.

Sarah said...

good luck with the scan, i hope you get what you're hoping for!

Joannah said...

Tough decision. A wise woman once said that in life we must pursue peace. So, whichever path you follow should give you a sense of peace about it.

:-)

Faith said...

I don't have any statistics for you, but I want you to know that I'm thinking about you and cheering you on, no matter what you decide.

bb said...

Most definitley a very tough decision, I am sorry you are having to go through this.

But, you still have this next cycle though and I wish you the very, very best. I am going to be cheering for you over here!!! GL with your scan (or if it was today, I hope it went well).

Kate said...

M- i wanted to send warm thoughts your way right this moment-- I have BLIND FAITH this will work for you-
You are so brave writing this post, and I totally get it as much as I can-- Did you read Mo's (petrie dish) entry after her meeting at the over 40's IF support group? It gave me a different take on the idea of DE but that does not mean it changed my mind or made things suddenly clear. It just made me go Hm in a way I had not.

It is early enough in your stimming that very very good things can happen.

And yes, we both think too much but that is what makes us our fine selves. In this case it is an pain in the ass, but I would rather think too much than too little. Good luck with each passing day. Know your body is not trying to thwart you. And remember that half science half magic thing. I'll be over here, cheering, waving my, um, magic wand.

Anonymous said...

Egg donation is the process of a young woman giving her eggs to an infertile couple that desires to have children.

Egg Bank(s)