Well, here I am. two days away from when I should be expecting my period. OK, I know others will think that I am totally insane, but I still hope that this cycle I conceived naturally. I always considered myself a realist, but no, I really think I am an optimist in disguise.
I felt cramps on day seven post ovulation. I know, why do I put myself through this. Well, if you think about it. It is all I have to do. There is absolutely nothing else I can do. So either I get my period or I am pregnant. I handle disappointment well.
I should quit drinking alcohol, shouldn't I? I gave up caffeine over 1.5 years ago. I try to take a vitamin every day. Boy, have I been bad at that. I eat veggies regularly, but for some reason I just can't stop drinking. I know I could lose weight and feel better about my eggies, but then how could I deal with the disappoinment. I know this sounds like I am an alcoholic, but maybe I just realize the whole futility of my situation. I know one good egg and all, but seriously it is beating me down. I just want to have it over with. I don't want to decide on a donor. I don't want to take the meds. I don't want to go through the tranfer. I don't want the two week wait . I just want it to be over.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Brief update
I thought I would provide a brief update to everyone. Thanks for all of your kind notes along the way. I was very sad to read about all the IF problems that everyone has had in the last few months. This stuff just stinks.
Because of a trip to Germany, we had to go the old fashioned route in May. I love doing the BBT because my cycle is so much like clockwork, except with the time changes. It is really difficult to try to get the right time when you are traveling. We may have missed the window but we gave it the old college try.
We went to Germany to see our new nephew. Ps sister got pregnant immediately after stopping BCP. Her biggest concern was that she could drink during Carnival. Sigh. Even funnier she rode her bike to the hospital to give birth. I love telling everyone that. It seems pretty amazing to me.
As I suspected, P was totally uncomfortable around the baby at first. He held it as if it were made of glass and contorted his body in weird ways to "make the baby more comfortable". The darn little guy really liked me, though. Every time I held him he fell asleep. Maybe it was because I cleverly let everyone man handle him for an hour or two, then took him when it was nap time again. I don't know.
Any way, we are debating about going in again for a baseline (iff this cycle is a bust). The hold back is that we would like to travel around the fourth of July and IVF could interfere with that. We will just have to see. I would just like to get it over with. I am still not excited about donor eggs, but I am hoping that would provide some closure. Until then, I think I will enjoy the life with only having a dog to worry about. After seeing Ps sister, it makes me appreciate my current life without child a little more.
Because of a trip to Germany, we had to go the old fashioned route in May. I love doing the BBT because my cycle is so much like clockwork, except with the time changes. It is really difficult to try to get the right time when you are traveling. We may have missed the window but we gave it the old college try.
We went to Germany to see our new nephew. Ps sister got pregnant immediately after stopping BCP. Her biggest concern was that she could drink during Carnival. Sigh. Even funnier she rode her bike to the hospital to give birth. I love telling everyone that. It seems pretty amazing to me.
As I suspected, P was totally uncomfortable around the baby at first. He held it as if it were made of glass and contorted his body in weird ways to "make the baby more comfortable". The darn little guy really liked me, though. Every time I held him he fell asleep. Maybe it was because I cleverly let everyone man handle him for an hour or two, then took him when it was nap time again. I don't know.
Any way, we are debating about going in again for a baseline (iff this cycle is a bust). The hold back is that we would like to travel around the fourth of July and IVF could interfere with that. We will just have to see. I would just like to get it over with. I am still not excited about donor eggs, but I am hoping that would provide some closure. Until then, I think I will enjoy the life with only having a dog to worry about. After seeing Ps sister, it makes me appreciate my current life without child a little more.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Posted too soon
My ovaries looked like hell on the baseline sono. Nothing in lefty and a cyst and two follicles in righty. The worse baseline, yet. Hmmm so was it the....
Femara
Estradiol
or Gani*relix?
We'll never know. Yes, I almost cried on my way back, but the words of Nice Dr. were, "You are young and healthy." We can screen you every month. Once we find 5 follicles we will begin the stimulation.
On the bad side, I was being totally optimistic and bought all of the meds. Now they are just sitting there. Staring me in the face. If I do a donor cycle, they will probably be too many.
Femara
Estradiol
or Gani*relix?
We'll never know. Yes, I almost cried on my way back, but the words of Nice Dr. were, "You are young and healthy." We can screen you every month. Once we find 5 follicles we will begin the stimulation.
On the bad side, I was being totally optimistic and bought all of the meds. Now they are just sitting there. Staring me in the face. If I do a donor cycle, they will probably be too many.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Bad at blogging
It has been a some time since I last blogged. I guess, I had many things to do and really I just couldn't face the fact that everyone around me was getting pregnant or having a baby. To summarize my last month.
Mekate my IF blog sister is pregnant and has graduated to an OB.
My coworker (40) just gave birth on Friday.
My second cousin just gave birth two weeks ago.
A good friend gave birth 10 days ago.
I, on the other hand, have had two months where my honey bun wasn't with me on the day I ovulated. Not that it would have done any good any way, but still heavy sigh!!
We have moved on to a new and very excited RE. Well, there are two in the practice. The one I saw (just so I could get an earlier appointment) was not my favorite person. He just didn't seem very personable. Mostly out to make the bucks. The other RE was fantastic. Very enthusiastic, informative, and positive. I am hoping all of my appointments can be surreptitiously scheduled through him.
What is the protocol? Luteal phase antagonist then agressive agonist, with a little antagonist thrown in at the end.
Dr. 1 forced me to ovulate (femara then ovidrel), which I thought, was overkill. I have ovulated every month according to every means readable (BBT, OPK, cervical mucus, progesterone levels, and cervix location) This was especially obvious this mont when he looked on Day 6 and I already had a 15mm follicle. Then one week after ovulation I had to have a progesterone test 24 (thank you very much). Then started 4 days of ganirelix. In addition, started estradiol patch to be switched every four days. Menses stared two days early. Very weird. I don't think I have ever been that early my entire life. I am already reading this is a bad sign. I have said that my body does not like to be manipulated with hormones.
So here we go. Oddly, I am not sure if I need to go in on day 2 or day 3. Clueless scheduling receptionist seemed to think that day 3 was ok, but I really think they said day 2. Will call them tomorrow morning.
Oddly, my dentist appt seem to always fall when I also have RE appt. Tomorrow I am supposed to get my teeth cleaned. Probably at the same time that they want to schedule my sono and blood work.
I think that is enough of an update for now.
Wishing all of the luck to my sisters in cyclesista. Lets get going!
Mekate my IF blog sister is pregnant and has graduated to an OB.
My coworker (40) just gave birth on Friday.
My second cousin just gave birth two weeks ago.
A good friend gave birth 10 days ago.
I, on the other hand, have had two months where my honey bun wasn't with me on the day I ovulated. Not that it would have done any good any way, but still heavy sigh!!
We have moved on to a new and very excited RE. Well, there are two in the practice. The one I saw (just so I could get an earlier appointment) was not my favorite person. He just didn't seem very personable. Mostly out to make the bucks. The other RE was fantastic. Very enthusiastic, informative, and positive. I am hoping all of my appointments can be surreptitiously scheduled through him.
What is the protocol? Luteal phase antagonist then agressive agonist, with a little antagonist thrown in at the end.
Dr. 1 forced me to ovulate (femara then ovidrel), which I thought, was overkill. I have ovulated every month according to every means readable (BBT, OPK, cervical mucus, progesterone levels, and cervix location) This was especially obvious this mont when he looked on Day 6 and I already had a 15mm follicle. Then one week after ovulation I had to have a progesterone test 24 (thank you very much). Then started 4 days of ganirelix. In addition, started estradiol patch to be switched every four days. Menses stared two days early. Very weird. I don't think I have ever been that early my entire life. I am already reading this is a bad sign. I have said that my body does not like to be manipulated with hormones.
So here we go. Oddly, I am not sure if I need to go in on day 2 or day 3. Clueless scheduling receptionist seemed to think that day 3 was ok, but I really think they said day 2. Will call them tomorrow morning.
Oddly, my dentist appt seem to always fall when I also have RE appt. Tomorrow I am supposed to get my teeth cleaned. Probably at the same time that they want to schedule my sono and blood work.
I think that is enough of an update for now.
Wishing all of the luck to my sisters in cyclesista. Lets get going!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Inspiration
Mekate put her tarot reading on her site and I thought it was really cool so I will do the same. It looks really good, but I am not sure what to think about the hermit.
Opportunity
The Seeker-a new beginnig
You have the opportunity to start a new journey, with a beginner's mind. Is it time to hit the road, either metaphorically or literally? Every time you set out on a journey, even if it's only a one-day hike, you embark on a spiritual journey as well. Be open to all the twists and curves in the road ahead. Be ready for wonderful surprises. Be open-hearted, innocent, trusting and spontaneous. Take a risk! Before you is a brand new adventure — the chance for a fresh start and endless possibilities.
Challenge
The Gardener-sensuality,creativity, abundance
You are being challenged by overflowing abundance and fertility, to the point that it may feel overwhelming or chaotic. You may be pregnant with so many new creations that you are having trouble focusing on just one. Learn to plant, weed and nourish your garden in a sustainable manner; then you will be able to offer the best possible of all foods to those whom you love.
The Resolution
The Hermit-sacred solitude
Resolution comes as you spend time in sacred solitude. You need to withdraw from the world to focus on your inner life and spirituality. Perhaps you have been wounded in the "wars of the world," or perhaps you are fatigued and empty from putting out so much energy, especially if you are a caregiver. Your well is empty and it needs to be filled. Take some time out for a retreat. Go away to the mountains or the sea, by yourself, without partner or friends. Spend time outside in nature, observing the changes in your environment day by day. Your inner wisdom and sense of well-being will grow effortlessly the more time you spend outside. When you once again enter community life, others will be drawn to the light they see inside you and may come to you for guidance. For part of your purpose is to share what you've learned with others.
Doesn't sound too shabby to me. I guess as soon as I get through my parents visit, then it is time four our new beginning.
Opportunity
The Seeker-a new beginnig
You have the opportunity to start a new journey, with a beginner's mind. Is it time to hit the road, either metaphorically or literally? Every time you set out on a journey, even if it's only a one-day hike, you embark on a spiritual journey as well. Be open to all the twists and curves in the road ahead. Be ready for wonderful surprises. Be open-hearted, innocent, trusting and spontaneous. Take a risk! Before you is a brand new adventure — the chance for a fresh start and endless possibilities.
Challenge
The Gardener-sensuality,creativity, abundance
You are being challenged by overflowing abundance and fertility, to the point that it may feel overwhelming or chaotic. You may be pregnant with so many new creations that you are having trouble focusing on just one. Learn to plant, weed and nourish your garden in a sustainable manner; then you will be able to offer the best possible of all foods to those whom you love.
The Resolution
The Hermit-sacred solitude
Resolution comes as you spend time in sacred solitude. You need to withdraw from the world to focus on your inner life and spirituality. Perhaps you have been wounded in the "wars of the world," or perhaps you are fatigued and empty from putting out so much energy, especially if you are a caregiver. Your well is empty and it needs to be filled. Take some time out for a retreat. Go away to the mountains or the sea, by yourself, without partner or friends. Spend time outside in nature, observing the changes in your environment day by day. Your inner wisdom and sense of well-being will grow effortlessly the more time you spend outside. When you once again enter community life, others will be drawn to the light they see inside you and may come to you for guidance. For part of your purpose is to share what you've learned with others.
Doesn't sound too shabby to me. I guess as soon as I get through my parents visit, then it is time four our new beginning.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Waiting
I just returned from extended work travel. It was productive and the honbun met me up in Vancouver for a relaxing weekend. No thoughts about IVF just enjoying each others company and having fun together.
This weekend, we had an extremely productive couple of days. Cleaned the back yard, ordered a new door, organized some closets. And oh yeah, we listed all DE candidates in an excel spread sheet. The sad thing is that none of them are perfect. The one I like the most is 33 years old and not available until May. She has participated in 3 other cycles. Choice number 2 is available now, but she is slightly overweight and not a proven donor.
We have decided to go with a donor who will match our blood types. We plan to reveal the truth to the child when they are older, don't know what age, but I think it was confusing to me to find out when I was 12.
The plan is to find a new RE, try one more cycle with my own little eggies and then move to DE if we have to. I added up the costs recently, and they are frightening. The only other thing that I have spent more money on is the house. I think of all the vacations I could have gone on with that money.
This weekend, we had an extremely productive couple of days. Cleaned the back yard, ordered a new door, organized some closets. And oh yeah, we listed all DE candidates in an excel spread sheet. The sad thing is that none of them are perfect. The one I like the most is 33 years old and not available until May. She has participated in 3 other cycles. Choice number 2 is available now, but she is slightly overweight and not a proven donor.
We have decided to go with a donor who will match our blood types. We plan to reveal the truth to the child when they are older, don't know what age, but I think it was confusing to me to find out when I was 12.
The plan is to find a new RE, try one more cycle with my own little eggies and then move to DE if we have to. I added up the costs recently, and they are frightening. The only other thing that I have spent more money on is the house. I think of all the vacations I could have gone on with that money.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Well the wait was over on Saturday
I was sure I was pregnant. My ovaries continued to hurt all the way through this weekend. Everything seemed right. We had copious amounts of enjoyable sex. The IUI was on Valentine's day. Forget the fact that it fell immediately after Friday the 13th. The follicles were not perfectly synchronized, but I figured with 3 we had an ok shot with IUI. I had a bbt dip on day 8. I was a little worried about my temps. They really weren't as high as they usually are. I don't know if that is the effect of the IVF drugs, but it really doesn't matter now.
Had to regroup. RE said he would prefer if I put time and energy into a DE cycle, but will try one more cycle with me if I beg and plead.
I am traveling again in March and my parents are visiting in April so I think all of this will be put on hold for now. I know I should forge ahead with the DE scenario, but that means I have to find another clinic. There are 5 to choose from and I have no way of deciding where to go. Then there is deciding on the donor. I hate making life altering decisions. That is probably why I am still in this job that I am not too excited about. Living in a city other than my darling, P. Life is comfortable, but I feel this need to contribute more to society.
Any way, I need a plan of attack. A time line, a good way to decide which clinic is ideal. There is one that is an easy choice, but thusfar I have not had the best experience with them. It took 3 emails to get them to send me the application. 4 phone calls to reach the donor egg coordinator. 3 weeks for them to return my call for an appointment with the psychologist. OK I know this sounds bad, but if I use this IVF clinic I can have all of my testing done at my existing clinic. Which I guess in the whole scheme of things doesn't mean that much. All they have to do is measure my uterine lining right? That won't take too many visits.
Had to regroup. RE said he would prefer if I put time and energy into a DE cycle, but will try one more cycle with me if I beg and plead.
I am traveling again in March and my parents are visiting in April so I think all of this will be put on hold for now. I know I should forge ahead with the DE scenario, but that means I have to find another clinic. There are 5 to choose from and I have no way of deciding where to go. Then there is deciding on the donor. I hate making life altering decisions. That is probably why I am still in this job that I am not too excited about. Living in a city other than my darling, P. Life is comfortable, but I feel this need to contribute more to society.
Any way, I need a plan of attack. A time line, a good way to decide which clinic is ideal. There is one that is an easy choice, but thusfar I have not had the best experience with them. It took 3 emails to get them to send me the application. 4 phone calls to reach the donor egg coordinator. 3 weeks for them to return my call for an appointment with the psychologist. OK I know this sounds bad, but if I use this IVF clinic I can have all of my testing done at my existing clinic. Which I guess in the whole scheme of things doesn't mean that much. All they have to do is measure my uterine lining right? That won't take too many visits.
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