Bad at blogging

It has been a some time since I last blogged. I guess, I had many things to do and really I just couldn't face the fact that everyone around me was getting pregnant or having a baby. To summarize my last month.

Mekate my IF blog sister is pregnant and has graduated to an OB.
My coworker (40) just gave birth on Friday.
My second cousin just gave birth two weeks ago.
A good friend gave birth 10 days ago.

I, on the other hand, have had two months where my honey bun wasn't with me on the day I ovulated. Not that it would have done any good any way, but still heavy sigh!!

We have moved on to a new and very excited RE. Well, there are two in the practice. The one I saw (just so I could get an earlier appointment) was not my favorite person. He just didn't seem very personable. Mostly out to make the bucks. The other RE was fantastic. Very enthusiastic, informative, and positive. I am hoping all of my appointments can be surreptitiously scheduled through him.

What is the protocol? Luteal phase antagonist then agressive agonist, with a little antagonist thrown in at the end.
Dr. 1 forced me to ovulate (femara then ovidrel), which I thought, was overkill. I have ovulated every month according to every means readable (BBT, OPK, cervical mucus, progesterone levels, and cervix location) This was especially obvious this mont when he looked on Day 6 and I already had a 15mm follicle. Then one week after ovulation I had to have a progesterone test 24 (thank you very much). Then started 4 days of ganirelix. In addition, started estradiol patch to be switched every four days. Menses stared two days early. Very weird. I don't think I have ever been that early my entire life. I am already reading this is a bad sign. I have said that my body does not like to be manipulated with hormones.

So here we go. Oddly, I am not sure if I need to go in on day 2 or day 3. Clueless scheduling receptionist seemed to think that day 3 was ok, but I really think they said day 2. Will call them tomorrow morning.

Oddly, my dentist appt seem to always fall when I also have RE appt. Tomorrow I am supposed to get my teeth cleaned. Probably at the same time that they want to schedule my sono and blood work.

I think that is enough of an update for now.

Wishing all of the luck to my sisters in cyclesista. Lets get going!

Egg donor cycle

I have been putting off writing this for awhile. I am completely torn about going with an egg donor. On top of the amazing expense and the hassle and all of the uncertainty, I also have a very personal reason for being undecided. You see, I was born from an anonymous sperm donor. Well, not exactly. My mom got pregnant by some guy. She knows who he is, but has never once mentioned him to me except on one mean occasion when I was teasing my brothers that I was not related to them. She then springs it on me, (when I was 11 or 12 years old).


"Mom, why is M. so much smarter then we are?" said my brother.

"Because I am not related to you," I said with a laugh.

"That's right. You kids have a different dad" my mom replied.


WHATTTTT???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have never been the same since. Nobody ever talks about it and I live in constant (well not constant) but occasional wonder if my "dad" will try to find me and give me a huge sum of money.

What does this have to do with egg donation. I just don't know if I would want to tell my child that they were not mine, genetically. Ever since that day, I have always felt kind of weird about the only man I have ever known as my dad. We really never have been close, and I wonder if somewhere back in the recesses of his mind he resents me. Will I resent my DE child? If s/he misbehaves will I blame it on my husband and not take any responsibility? Would I have been better off not knowning that I come from a different genetic stock than my brothers. Would I have felt closer to my whole family? I just don't know.

What if I do keep this whole donor egg thing a secret from my child? They will find out some day and then they will resent me. It would be a joint lie that my husband and I would have to share. Isn't that an incredible, painful burden. Is this one time when a lie is OK? Is there ever a time when any lie is OK. I just don't know. I don't know how to decide. I want statistics. I guess it is similar if you tell a child they are adopted. I just feel that the genetic bond does mean something and I don't want my kid to miss out on that.

I also don't want to miss out on the coolest genetic experiment of all. Mixing my DNA with my husband's to see what wonderful offspring can result from our love, respect, joy, friendship, and caring. Please, please let me get pregnant this time. Let me have one miracle. Let me experience first hand what I see happen in the lab every day.

I go in tomorrow morning for my day 5 sono and E2, but again isn't it really only like day 4.5 of stims. If I started on Thursday then I have only been stimming for 4 days. I am sure there is some time necessary for the uptake and the response. What am I hoping for. Something similar to last cycle. E2 around 200. I want 7 follicles over 10mm. Thats what I want. Lets see if I can get it.

Oh, for those wondering, I am not doing the day 3 stim, because I don't think my RE is concerned about OHSS.

This time it is for real

Needless to say the two cycles of IUIs didn't work. Finally, after a holiday hiatus, I am back in the ring to take another swing. Come on hit me with your best shot.

Mysterious bleeding started on day 20 of OCP. Very unusual. Also tracked my BBT. It was over 98 for the past 20 days. Part of this may be due to illness. But then two days ago temperature dropped. Very strange. It is as if I went through an ovulation cycle (even though I know that is not possible). Granted I had a few days of antibiotics but I don't think it could have completely abrogated the OCP.

Went in today for a whole round of repeat tests. Yes, I have been doing this for over a year now. Got a pap, blood work for STDs, and an US. The little ovaries picked up their pace a bit. lefty had a least 5 antrals and righty had 4. Yippee! That is the most so far. Things are already looking up.

I am going to be on the Lupron flare protocol. Apparently, because I was totally suppressed last time, we will try a gentler, kinder approach. Remember last time I had zippo ER and had a cancelled cycle. Then 13 days later I had two huge follicles, and I underwent an IUI procedure. It obviously didn't work, but I think it just goes to show that I was over suppressed.

I start Lupron in two days. Only this time I am getting two injections a day. One in the morning and one at night. Then two days later I pull out the big guns.

Really optimistic then crash

I am heart broken. I went in for U/S. Had seven-eight follicles in "lazy" (my left ovary that only has usually 1 antral follicle). So you say great, what are you complaining about. Got my estradiol results....37. Huge sinking feeling that makes me want to break down into tears. OK, then you say, but there are always DE. Well, as it turns out I apparently have stenosis of my cervix. What the **** is this. Nobody mentioned this could be a complication. So the RE can't even put a catheter in me. He has tried twice. This means even an IUI could prove to be difficult. They might have to dilate my cervix somehow or stitch it so it stays open. Don't ask me, I wasn't paying that much attention. I am concerned now that possibly I should have gone with the more experienced RE. Apparently, they will be called in for consultation.

Really and truly on the verge of tears. Better get back to work so that I can go home and wallow in silent misery. DH has been on a trip and should come back some time tonight.

Second day of injections

Today's injections went a little more smoothly than yesterday. I still forgot to add the Lupron to the Menopur so I had to stick myself 3 times today.

I feel like I am injecting myself with liquid gold with the Follistim. One would think that for recombinant proteins it should be less expensive.

I still can't get over the fact that I am sticking myself with needles.

I wonder how much these hormones affect your mood. I have been a total wreck. Lets list all of the things that I have gotten upset over.

Friday-- Went for U/S and practice transfer. Only 4 antral follicles. Then practice transfer did not work. My uterus is too tipped. Now, I have to go through the procedure again on Thursday. Ask RE why even begin any of these things if I am only starting with 4 follicles. He said there might be more and that the stimulation might increase the numbers. Sometimes I feel like they are doing all of this just for practice. It is a new clinic and they don't have a lot of clientele. I get a lot of personalized attention, but sometimes worry that they are not as experienced as they should be.

Met with my boss for a quick and fun science meeting. He said some things that insinuated that my job was in jeopardy. I got completely upset and had to leave the meeting in tears.

DH did not call the puppy adoption place to say that we had to return the cutest little thing ever. When I found that out, I hung up on him. I ask him to do one thing to make my stress levels go down, and he didn't even do that.

Saturday--Maredsous, the puppy poo, does not get along with our new puppy, Sierra Nevada. This means we had to give her back. I was so upset. She was perfect. Partially house trained, energetic, loving, playful, and obedient. Best of all she was undeniably cute. Springer Spaniel mix. I didn't want to give her back, but Maredsous was constantly on edge. Hence, I was constantly on edge. I balled all day. My eyes were so puffy I had to wear a baseball cap to return her. I am still pretty upset.

Then today when DH I called I just lost it and told him I felt as if it didn't even matter if we are married. This weekend I felt so alone and he was off mountain biking in Lake Tahoe with his friend G. Granted he has a meeting there, and supposedly I couldn't go. Though looking at the calendar now, I totally could have gone.

Anyway, this all is just to show that I have been extremely moody.

The In Vitro Journey

Today started the serious business of figuring out if my body really has what it takes to still produce eggs. So far it has not been the most promising endeavor that I have experienced.